Narsissitic Sociopath

Okay, so I think I  need to get back to what this blog was really meant to be about…  The reason I don’t blog about abuse as often as I ought to, is because, it is harder than I ever realized to do so.  In part, because it is painful and in part because I would rather blog about positive things and dwell on those things,   I started this blog, to be blunt and honest about the abuse I went through, in hopes of maybe touching other people’s hearts in the process.

So here I go…

I thought, I would delve into one or some (i’m not sure yet) of the things my narcissistic sociopath father has pulled on me.  I wonder how many can relate to similar treatment.

I’m choosing a more recent scenario (since i’ve been married.  8.5 years)  My father always wanted a son, it is very obvious, and he looks for that opportunity anywhere he can find it.  When my sister got married, he hoped he had a “son” in his son-in-law.  His son-in-law didn’t measure up to my father’s standards of what a “son” should be like, so the negative talk about him through out the years began.  He did not talk enough, he did not call at all, he didn’t go to the movies, or look to spend time with my father…do I blame him???  NO!  He could do no right…In the eyes of my father.

Enter here, me getting married…another chance for my father to have a “son.”  Well, my Hubby measured up somewhat more to what said father would expect. (although i wonder how much negative talk about my Hubby was going on behind our backs…i’m certain it was)  My Hubby would talk to him, go out for coffee with him, even go to the odd movie with him.  Until two things happened to stop him in his tracks…

I’m sure you would like to know what they are…

One, my Hubby began to realize that my father was having nothing to do with me (his own daughter).  He would call my Hubby and talk to him and not even ask to talk to me, or inquire how I was.  That really bothered my Hubby.  It may have in a subconscious way with me, but I was so used to this treatment and happy not to have to talk to him.  Talking to him would have almost been worse.

The second scenario that took place was on my Birthday, I did not receive so much as a phone call from my parents, which again is them thinking I haven’t been there enough to deserve said phone call. (not true just for the record…nothing i did would ever be enough for them)

Now lets jump to my Hubby’s Birthday, he got a phone call from my father wishing him a Happy Birthday, but not only that, he got a card with a check in it, written out to him as well.

Now my Hubby had watched the abuse going on all along, but really didn’t know how to handle it as this type of situation was all new to him.

This however pissed him off.  He stopped doing anything with my father.  He felt if my father was going to ignore me while spending time with him, it shouldn’t continue.

Hubby had plans to confront my father the next time, he attempted a get together, but we ended up moving away before that could happen.  Hubby has had no contact since, it is too painful for him to see my father abusing me.  Most, if not all the time, my father’s actions are deliberate almost calculated, to hurt me.  I am thankful to have a Hubby who sees clearly what is going on, he was one of the first in my life that I’m aware of, to see it.  It took him a long time though to let up on me about making an effort with my parents, but more so because he didn’t want me to lose  them.

It finally sunk in for him, that I had already lost them, and to allow them in my life, was toxic for me.  He is sad for me but supports me 100% and that is a blessing.

He is my family, my friends are my family, they are just relatives.  Sometimes even when it goes against everything in us, (especially with relatives) we have to remove toxic people from our lives.  It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, it just means, we love ourselves and can’t allow that abuse to continue.

I can hear all the negative talk going on about my Hubby and I in my mind, since we have moved and have very limited contact; but…I now know, it is them and there is nothing wrong with me!  Well I guess one example was enough for today

Can any of you relate?  What is your story?  I would love to hear from you.

There is hope!

Perspective…

I wanted to thank everyone for all the caring thoughts in regards to my blog post yesterday.  It was a very scary day, as someone I care about dearly got very very ill, and all I wanted was to be with them and I couldn’t.  I don’t want to say a whole lot on here, but the initial scare has passed.

In light of that, it sure made me stop and think how precious life is and how quickly things could change.  I wonder how much of my life is spent worrying about things that just don’t deserve the energy.  How much of the good I miss, while I spend time and energy “sweating the small stuff?”

I spent  today thoroughly enjoying my day, and my Hubby. (he leaves for a week tomorrow again) I didn’t get upset or frustrated over things I usually do, I stopped to find the good, rather than jumping right to seeing the bad.  I enjoyed a walk in the park with said Hubby and pooch in tow.  We went out and had a nice dinner.  Now we are sitting here together watching a movie (yes while I blog )

I feel like I smiled today more than I have in weeks, I saw more good then bad, I felt peace and contentment, and things I worried about two days ago, seemed to  just work themselves out, with out any “worry assistance” from me.

I really wonder how much of my life, is made more difficult, by my attitude and reactions.  I really hope I won’t forget in a weeks time, what I learned yesterday…but that could just be worry…Ha!  I am grateful for today, and that is a wonderful feeling.

There is hope!

today i cry…

today i cry

there is no why

when raging waters

surge the shores

bringing with unspoken pain

the beauty in the rain

today i cry

for loving hurts

my heart has skipped a beat

please don’t do this beauty

i am here, my arms held open wide

today i cry for the why, i hate it

for it steals

no ones truths are fully truth

and yours are mostly lies

grab on to truth for there is life

and in this life is hope

today i cry for beauty

today

today

i cry…

 

Gratitude List

I think this is the third one I have blogged, but I figure what better thing to do on Mother’s day where it is a painful day for some and a wonderful day for others.  I hope those of you who look forward to Mother’s Day had a wonderful day full of unexpected surprises (the good kind ).

I am grateful for:

Beautiful warm weather today here in the north.

An unexpected email from a friend back home, it made my day.

My Hubby is sitting beside me on the couch…I treasure every moment with him.  (even when there’s a tiff)

I feel at home, at home…previous blog talks about wishing I felt that way, so this is a big one!

I have food on the table, (burp) excuse me…yummy spaghetti dinner!

Laughter, which is good for the soul

My friends

Blogging and the blog word, you all rock!

That I am at peace today.

I am always blown away when I do these gratitude blogs just how much I truly have to be thankful for!  It makes me smile at how blessed I am.

You thought I forgot didn’t you…well I didn’t…the ability to…wait for it…here it comes… bust a move!

What are you thankful for?  What are the things that rock your world?  Have you stopped to count your blessings or think about what blesses you?  You just might be surprised!

Mother’s Day

As you I’m sure, all know tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  For all you Mother’s out there, I truly hope it is a wonderful day for you.  I can’t imagine how difficult being a Mother is, and my hat is off to you all.

Having said that, it is a day that I dread.  Mother’s Day is very painful for me, and I usually hide out on that day, avoiding Facebook updates, people and life.  It is very hard for me to leave my home because everywhere I go, I hear about it.

I don’t have a Mother who I can honestly say those words too, and I am not a Mother.  It is a day that reminds me of both of those things.  It reminds me that I went through invitro to have a child.  It reminds me that I lost 7 babies through that fight.  It reminds me of the day we were told, that we would never be able to have children naturally and the heartache that went with that.

It reminds me that my own mother is abusive and yet because I am her child I still long for her,yet she would be unsafe to have in my life.  I am blogging about this today, so tomorrow, no one has to be brought down, on what is a special day for many.

As I am sure you can imagine, Father’s Day is much the same having grown up with a narcissistic sociopath for a father.

On Father’s Day I watch my Hubby’s heartache, over longing to be a Father.  They just are not Happy days for us.  We do what we can to make the best of it.

I am sorry if you can relate to this post in any way.  How do you cope with this commercial day?

There is hope.

The Dance

the dance of lies

my mind will tell,

shall i listen to it’s spell

do i know what is truth

when lies disguise

like wolves as sheep

black and white this web

is not

silent, subtle the widow creeps,

shall i catch it, before it bites

or take comfort from her familiar sting?

no

i will squash the widows lies

she kills her mate

the wicked thing

i will not dance with black fire

it’s to hot where she goes

her web spun round my weary mind

but my dance is not done

my dance will be won…

 

The Heat is on…

“fred” is back in full force today.  Just when I think I have it mastered, he shows up and slams me.  I went into full blown “fred” mode today.  My poor Hubby.

I just feel like every time I turn around I am getting slammed with more bad news.  More things that are going to cost us big money and I lost control (so to speak) “fred” jumped in.  I freaked out, full blown “fred”

once my Hubby calmed down himself, because I got him all stressed out and upset, then he was able to shed some light on what was going on in me.  It really sucks when you realize you are acting like your abuser.  That doesn’t mean that I was being abusive, just that I a was freaking out at the same type of things for the same type of reasons.  I was (according to my Hubby) making the whole situation worse with my reaction and bigger than it actually needs to be.  In my mind it just looked ginourmous. When you live with the “fred” (panic) struggle and it hits, you can’t think rationally.  I tried to do the things I was taught in therapy, like sitting down, breathing, finding my feet, staying in the present, but I was too irrational and these things just ticked me off more, enter here, more “fred.”  The unwelcome lingering piece of $#!@

It’s hard to know sometimes where I am just allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling, and where I have allowed “fred” free reign…usually when it’s “fred”, it means I am not in the present.  Anyway, this is probably all confusing, but this is my mind today!

All I really want is to be able to feel at home, at home.  I haven’t felt that in two years and now, that I have moved, I chose to take on a positive attitude despite some difficult circumstances with our new living arrangement.  Just as I began to enjoy some things and see all the good around me, all hell breaks loose again. Is it too much to ask to have a little peace, in regards to our circumstances, an oasis of sorts.

I’m  tired emotionally.  I just want some peace and some fun.  I guess I’ll just chalk this up to a bad couple days.  By the way if you have time check out nicoleandgwendolyn.com/eating disorder management, #1 drop dead fred.  There is a cool debate going on about whether or not naming your disorder is a good thing or not, stemming from my blog post on naming panic “fred”

there is hope